Why am I here?

Last week when we were asked to answer "Why am I here?" At first, this question frustrated me. I think I started to think of my life in the grand scheme of things and I don't think a week is long enough for me to really answer the question of why I am here. I don't think I could really fully answer that question to be quite honest. This question also frustrated me because I'm so busy with other projects for school, I'm stressed about my personal money situation since work hasn't been going quite as well as I'd like it to, I can't work the hours I need to at work because of school and interning, and then I'm also stressed about my living situation coming up this summer. My life is so full of this trivial crap and stress that to take the time to sit and think about "Why am I here?" just aggravated me. I could be using this time to do other things.

And because of all this stress that this one question caused me on this particular day, it brought up all my negative feelings that I feel about school. Again. And it makes me wonder a lot as to why I came to school in the first place. Why am I here? I came here straight out of high school because my parents expected it out of me. My friends expected it out of me. My teachers did, as did the rest of my family. And yes, I guess I expected it out myself too... just because I knew I'd do well. But I look at my projects and my schoolwork and I have no passion and no drive. At all. I have one year left and I feel like I'm going to be leaving this school having learned nothing to be quite honest.

I look at my mom who went to college for 2 semesters out of high school and quit because of her job that she had and because she got married. She then had kids and life took over. She's now 45 years old and she has more passion and more drive to go to school than I do. She went back to school last year and she studied so hard, took her school so incredibly serious and she only had time to take 2 classes at a time with her 2 jobs. And I felt horrible that I had a job that I worked 20 hours a week and was taking 12 credit hours... basically had the time that she didn't have and my heart wasn't in it. I just went through the motions, did what I had to do just to get the grades I needed. She had to quit school because with her jobs school just became too much. I know that she would love more than anything to go back and finish getting her degree in nursing.

Again, I wonder why the hell am I here in school when I'm here just because I'm supposed to be here. Yes, I have a talent and skill that I know I can make a decent living with and having a degree will help me make that living. But I look at those who would love, absolutely LOVE, to have this opportunity to go school and get their degree... have an absolute thirst for knowledge, and I don't have that passion. At least not at this school. I find that there are times that I've lost my passion for design. I haven't made anything for myself in years. I was more ambitious when I was 17 years old and didn't have these tools in front me that I do now.

I hate to say it, but from this class it's really been solidified in my head that I'm not an artist. Which is okay, because I never once claimed to be an artist. I like to design, it's something I've always liked to do. But my passion for it... my passion for creating something for myself is gone. I really don't know how to get that back. I miss it. That's why I didn't "create" something for this assignment. Because I don't know "what" to create for myself anymore. Maybe if that passion was back, maybe my passion for my education would finally arrive because I don't think it ever came.